The Shift Network Blog

3 Simple, Yet Powerful, Ways to Transform Your Relationships with Men
Marjorie MacIntosh
By Marjorie MacIntosh
Shift Team

Every woman wants to be heard, seen, loved and understood by her partner...

Every woman desires a man who wants to make her happy and fulfill her needs and wishes whenever possible.

When it comes down to it, we all want a relationship of mutual love, respect, honor, admiration and appreciation.

EVERY woman deserves this kind of relationship.

Yet, whether you’re struggling in a current relationship, perpetually single, out on the dating market or recently divorced, that “perfect” relationship you want and deserve can feel very far away.

You may find yourself asking: “Why is it so hard to find a good man?” or “What happened to the man I used to date? Why did he change?” “Why did he stop caring?” or “Why did he stop calling?”

These are all-too-common questions women ask when they feel defeated in their relationships with men. But they don’t have to be this way….

According to relationship expert, teacher and author of The Queen’s Code, Alison Armstrong, these kinds of questions indicate a “disconnect” between the sexes — a great misunderstanding of sorts that creates a vicious cycle in which women and men end up feeling defeated and wondering what in the world happened.

The good news is you can overcome this cycle…. if you’re willing to try on some new tactics and a new perspective.

YOU can completely change your dynamics with men and actually shift the way they relate to you....



Below are a 3 key steps from Armstrong’s teachings that can empower you to transform your relationships for the better:


1.  Understand that Men Aren’t Just Hairy Women

Calling men “hairy women” may make for a funny picture, but it could be an accurate way of describing how men and women fall prey to misperceptions.

Men aren’t the same as women — the sexes have evolutionarily handed-down, biological, hormonal differences, which actually change the way our brains function.

This, in turn, changes the way we process information, communicate, how we access and interpret our emotions — and even our body language. In other words, men and women are running on different operating systems.

The trouble with this is that men and women often can’t see each other for who we really are.

We project our gender’s qualities — and their "operating systems" — onto the other and wonder why that other person doesn’t make any sense. Or worse, we come up with false conclusions based upon what we think we would do or say or think, instead of what a man would do or say or think.

So what if we women could open ourselves  to the idea that men live in a completely different paradigm?


2.  Cultivate Curiosity

Curiosity is key, says Armstrong, if women really want to honor themselves and their partners, current or potential.

Lacking curiosity, we miss a level of depth in ourselves and our relationships, and often misperceive reality — getting mired in false beliefs and taking them for truth... a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, assuming men are operating differently, ask yourself how? What makes them say and do the things they do?!

Your curiosity can mean the difference between hurt feelings and happiness.

For example, instead of buying into these beliefs...

“Men are so insensitive,“

“He’s Just being a jerk,”

Or, as mentioned above, “There aren’t any good men out there.”  


… take pause and get curious!

Begin by asking yourself “What if he isn’t misbehaving?” Then ask, “If he’s not misbehaving, what is he doing?

What if there is a good reason for everything he does?”

Take Armstrong at her word when she says, “If you start assuming [men] have a good reason, it changes everything.”

If you can’t think of a good reason for their behavior, you always can ask them! No, really... you can. It’s much easier than you might think and the answer is almost guaranteed to surprise you.

Try this statement next time: “I assume you have a good reason for everything you do. I’m trying to understand you better. Would you be willing to tell me why you did such-and-such that way?”


3.  Recognize Men Are Responding to You (In Surprising Ways!)

Men often have reactions to things that women are completely unaware of — things that wouldn’t be on a woman’s radar or affect them at all.

According to Armstrong, frequent negative experiences with men may indicate you’re unwittingly throwing them off-balance or triggering their inner warriors. As a result, you’ll never get the chance to see men’s other aspects (aspects women desire so much). Aspects like the inner lover or provider.

Getting curious and asking a man about things that don’t add up to you can help you uncover the parts of him that are so desirable!

Be willing to be curious with yourself FIRST, as well as accountable for the ways you may be putting men on the defense. It takes courage and patience... it’s also a step toward transforming your relationships with men for the better.


PS - Intrigued by the insights shared above? If so, you're invited to download a free hour-long audio featuring Alison Armstrong, Discovering the Queen's Code: