The Shift Network Blog

3 Ways to Attract & Cultivate Soulmate Love (a Renowned Therapist Shares Key Insights)
Susan Audrey
By Susan Audrey
Shift Team Writer

Are you searching for “the one” — yet instead of finding the soulmate love you long for — are enduring disheartening dates, childish games and ultimately a lot of frustration?

What if it were possible to experience an exponentially faster and more powerful path to love AND know that while doing so you’re also discovering the keys to deeper intimacy in all your relationships –– as well as your own deep inner gifts?

Well, it’s not only possible, it’s essential that you open to this path if you really want to find true intimacy, according to Ken Page, LCSW, a renowned psychotherapist, blogger for Psychology Today, and author of the groundbreaking book Deeper Dating.

The search for true intimacy, Ken shares, involves choosing people who see us for who we really are — the soul of who we are — and love it.

After all, what we all want, from others and ourselves, is love and acceptance of our authentic selves.

And, the path toward this love is not –– as most of us have been taught –– in working to “fix” yourself by losing weight or trying to look younger or pretending you’re interested in an activity you’re not (like kickboxing) because your prospective mate is.

The satisfying and fruitful journey to true and lasting intimacy is in discovering and sharing what Ken calls your “Core Gifts” ––  the most tender parts of yourself inherent in your innate nature… ­­parts you may even purposely hide.

For, it is only when you learn to embrace and share these gifts (which could include, for example, your vulnerability or deepest emotions) and learn to look past the exteriors of others to see their Core Gifts, that your experience of dating truly transforms....

You stop playing the never-ending game of creating a pleasing façade in hopes that another will find you attractive and love you (an approach which is almost always doomed to fail.)

Instead, you approach your search for love as a journey of personal discovery, growth and joy –– an inner journey that can be the most important one you’ll ever take.

So how do you embark on this wondrous journey?

Here are three simple, yet life-transforming, tips from Ken to put you on the path toward finding the lasting love you desire (while also honoring and cherishing your true self):


1.  Discover your “Core Gifts” & how to embrace them…

We all have parts of ourselves that make us unique, that are actually our soul shining through, but which we may feel hesitant to reveal –– and embrace.

Perhaps you’re a really sensitive person who feels deeply touched by both sad and joyful situations. Allowing yourself to embrace –– even treasure –– this part of you and allowing others to see it and embrace it, too, will be your key to attracting those precious potential mates who truly see you and love you for who you really are.

In fact –– and research backs this up –– you’ll find yourself noticing these people more and more, and becoming more attracted to them as you learn to lead with your most authentic self in your search for love.

To discover your Core Gifts, Ken suggests asking yourself two questions:

What fills your heart?

And, what hurts your heart?

Answering these questions illuminates what you care about most, what inspires you and what triggers you –– it reveals what makes you tick in the realm of intimacy.


2.  Discover how to distinguish between your attractions of deprivation and your attractions of inspiration...

This is one of the most important keys to finding the love you want, Ken tells us.

Yet, unfortunately, it’s virtually impossible to control your attractions. We all know that throbbing-heart, weak-kneed, tongue-tied feeling.

But the problem is, according to Ken, that this type of “love at first sight” attraction is most often an unconscious recognition of the familiar –– of what was lacking in our relationships with our primary caregivers –– mixed with the hope that we can heal these past wounds with a person who will “love us right” this time.

What you want to do in these cases, Ken shares, is look at how these types of people actually make you feel (beneath the chemistry).

Are they appreciating and embracing your Core Gifts… who you really are? Or, are they depriving you of this important part of an intimate connection? If they are, it’s likely because you’re not honoring those innate gifts in yourself, Ken reveals, so you’ve attracted someone who doesn’t appreciate them either.

The great gift in waking up to this is that it can point you directly to the most beautiful qualities of your soul, which you may have not yet learned to treasure.

Our attractions of inspiration, on the other hand, are reflective of who we’re moving into becoming (versus being drawn to a repeat of the past). You’re attracted to a desirable trait in another because you’re seeing something in them which is inspiring you to grow that same characteristic within yourself.

Both our positive and negative attractions, Ken teaches, help us to better understand ourselves and can give us some of the deepest lessons of our intimacy lives.


3.  Beware of the “wave” when dating and learn how to ride it...

The “wave,” according to Ken, is the queasy feeling you may get inside when you see someone you’re dating is actually kind, decent and available. And, it’s often accompanied by the desire to flee.

At this stage, you feel your attraction has disappeared. You fixate on something you now find unpleasing ­­–– such as his nose hairs or her way of laughing ­­–– and you start to lose interest.

It’s okay that this happens, Ken assures us, but you need to learn how to ride this wave, so you can celebrate what has most likely happened ­­–– that you’ve found someone who is really available and we’re only experiencing a momentary passage of fear.

If you don’t run away, the wave will likely pass, and you’ll have the opportunity to launch into a healthy relationship.

This is where true intimacy is cultivated ­­–– in learning to grow love in a healthy relationship.

When you recognize the places where you flee love and learn about these “mind fields,” Ken teaches, you realize that the goal is not to get rid your fear of intimacy, or even what you consider your other personal obstacles.

What you need at this point, he says, is to “develop a language which can help you negotiate them with honor ­­–– honor for the other person and honor for yourself. And as these transformations happen, you’ll have the pieces you need to find a lifelong love.”


PS - Enjoy the insights included above? If so, you're invited to download Ken Page's free hour-long audio, The 5 Essential Insights for Finding True Love:

Susan Audrey
About Susan Audrey

Susan Audrey is a writer and editor for The Shift Network, and when she isn’t polishing marketing copy, she’s leading dream work circles in the San Francisco Bay Area and creating art inspired by her nighttime dreams. Susan holds an M.A. in Depth Psychology and finds great benefit –– especially for women –– in interpreting one’s dreams through the lens of the sacred feminine.